Are the wounds from past breakups affecting your current or future relationships?
In the messy months before my ex and I broke up, the voices got LOUD.
You know the ones I’m talking about.
The ones that slip in insidiously when you’ve made a mistake, when you’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed, the ones that are activated when your emotional state dips below your “confident & feelin’ fine” threshold.
The voices that have been there since childhood, expressing your biggest fears.
Am I unlovable?
Am I too much?
Am I not enough?
Will I die alone?
As we were breaking up, my core wounds were hyper-activated.
Jealousy had been a big issue for me in our 4 year relationship (it turned out, for good reason)...
Despite being justified, the emotions of jealousy–anger, frustration, confusion, envy, betrayal, hurt, shame–wreaked havoc on my nervous system.
I was completely debilitated.
I could only eat a banana, one small bite at a time, chewing through the tears.
I tried to quit grad school because I couldn’t focus on my work while my brain was so preoccupied with my pain. (Fortunately, I didn’t.)
I had to look at myself in the mirror every day, confronted by the truth: my greatest fear had come true.
I was losing the relationship, and it really seemed like it was because I wasn’t good enough.
That belief, however, wasn’t true, as most of our most disempowering beliefs are usually reasonable from one perspective, but not another.
Sure, I could intellectually reason that the truth was that my partner and I weren’t aligned…and that I was and am plenty good enough…good enough for me, for my friends, for another partner.
But that knowing and understanding didn’t take away the pain.
Why are the endings of relationships so damn powerful?
Relationships trigger us to face our deepest fears & insecurities.
Which are hard to look at.
Which can throw you into a spiral of self doubt or relationship struggle…
And when a relationship ends, the pain you feel can easily become connected to the core belief, a process by which the body keeps the score.
If left to do it’s biological thing, your belief will become attached to more triggers…
Which is why so many of us repeat disempowering patterns from old relationships.
Which is why we might eventually identify with our emotional states…
Believing, I’m jealous.
Or, I’m too difficult.
Or, No one can know the real me.
These belief states can strip you of your power.
Or they can be the key to your emotional freedom.
When I hit the proverbial “rock bottom…”
I had to do something.
I’ve never been able to escape my pain through numbing or distraction.
My survival trigger is freeze, not flight.
And I froze into intense sobriety…feeling all of my feelings, letting the voices talk so I could witness my inner child’s pain as well as the pain of my adult self.
My body forced me to put my attention on my feelings.
And when I did…I started understanding my particular lineage of jealousy.
I could see how it held me back from forming friendships with men.
How I’d been conditioned to be terrified if my actions were thought to be inappropriate.
How it held me back from fully loving myself and loving others…
How painful the trap of “I’ll never be as X as her…” or “she’s more Y than me…”
I could see the disempowering ways it was shaping my experience of life, not just how it was impacting my relationship.
How Internalized Wounds Harm Us
You can think of an internalized wound like an infection…it spreads to other areas of your life, shaping your beliefs and behaviors in ways that don’t feel related (but that are tied together by the core wound).
These wounds can have a profound impact on our emotional, psychological, and even physical well-being.
They act as invisible scripts that guide our thoughts, behaviors, and reactions without us even realizing it.
Here are some of the ways relationship wounds, inner child wounds, and internalized core beliefs can harm us:
Limiting Beliefs: These beliefs shape our perception of ourselves and the world around us. They can lead us to believe that we are unworthy, not good enough, or undeserving of love and happiness. These limiting beliefs can prevent us from pursuing our dreams, setting boundaries, and making positive life choices.
Negative Self-Talk: Internalized beliefs can give rise to a constant stream of negative self-talk. We criticize ourselves, doubt our abilities, and berate ourselves for past mistakes. This self-criticism can erode self-esteem and contribute to anxiety and depression.
Repeating Patterns: Unresolved inner wounds can lead us to recreate familiar and unhealthy patterns in our relationships. We may unconsciously seek out partners or situations that mirror past traumas or dynamics, perpetuating cycles of pain and disappointment.
Fear of Vulnerability: These wounds can create a fear of vulnerability and intimacy. We may avoid opening up to others or showing our true selves, fearing rejection or abandonment like we experienced in the past.
Emotional Reactivity: When triggered by situations that remind us of past wounds, our emotions can become overwhelming and difficult to manage. We might react in ways that are disproportionate to the current situation due to the intensity of unresolved emotions.
Self-Sabotage: Believing we are unworthy or undeserving, we may unconsciously sabotage our own success and happiness. We might avoid opportunities, procrastinate, or engage in self-destructive behaviors.
Inhibiting Growth: These internalized wounds can prevent personal growth and transformation. They keep us stuck in old patterns and prevent us from stepping out of our comfort zones to pursue our aspirations.
Impact on Relationships: Untreated wounds can affect our relationships by influencing how we interact with others. We might struggle with trust, fear of abandonment, or difficulty expressing emotions, leading to communication breakdowns and misunderstandings.
Physical Symptoms: The emotional stress caused by these wounds can manifest as physical symptoms, including headaches, muscle tension, digestive issues, and compromised immune function.
Diminished Self-Worth: Ultimately, internalized core beliefs, inner child wounds & relationship issues chip away at our self-worth and self-love. They create a barrier between us and our true potential, preventing us from living a fulfilling and empowered life.
If you’re aware of a topical wound, chances are there are deeper roots that you need to extract to truly be free of the ways in which that wound cages you.
That’s why I don’t work with my clients on transforming a relationship issue, like jealousy.
We work on transforming the internalized wound of I’m not good enough.
Because when those roots are targeted, more disempowered emotional and behavioral states than just jealousy are transformed.
The way to ensure that wounds from your previous breakup doesn’t negatively affect your current or future relationship is to transform the core belief these wounds are activating.
How to Transform Core Beliefs
Transforming core beliefs is a process of understanding and action.
Understanding alone doesn’t create change.
Change is found in actions, in showing up differently, in reacting to triggers differently…
And when you start showing up differently you create a different story for your mind to believe.
Because I addressed my core wound, jealousy shows up differently for me.
It’s a state I can effectively manage without it overwhelming me.
I have shown myself that I’ve shifted my patterns.
I no longer identify with jealousy as part of my identity.
I don't fall into the trap of believing that I haven’t changed just because I may slip into a familiar feeling or respond from a place of jealousy.
In other words, I’ve made a confident transformation of my entire being (brain, body, and spirit).
If you’re ready to compassionately explore your wounds, transform your beliefs and behaviors, and create an empowered experience of your relationships (to yourself and others)…
I’ve created an 18 week program to radically renegotiate your identity patterns and beliefs.
I’m looking for 12 women who want to experience deep, lasting shifts in their relationships.
To apply to work with me, sign up for a free 90 minute conversation where we’ll explore how you can harness the power of relationship wounds and turn your disempowered beliefs into deep healing and personal transformation, and decide if the Breakup Alchemy program is a good fit for you.
This is an invitation to rewire your relationship patterns to have more security, fulfillment, and bliss–with or without a partner.
I can’t wait to speak with you!
