Feeling Anxious About Dating After a Break Up? The Power of Shifting Your Dating Mindset
Navigating the dating world after a break-up can be like walking an emotional tightrope.
On one hand, there's hope - that magnetic pull towards new possibilities, new connections.
On the other hand, we may be bristling with defenses, hardened by the lessons of past hurt and desperate not to fall victim to the same pain again.
This juxtaposition can lead to a maelstrom of emotions, from excitement and confidence to anxiety and insecurity.
What amplifies this tension further is a hunger to "find the one" and secure a long-lasting relationship–if only to prove to ourselves that our insecurities aren’t right (they’re not)–that we’re not loveable, we’re not worthy, we have too many issues for a “good” human to love us fully…
But when we absorb these false narratives, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that dating can be an enjoyable journey of exploration and growth and that our past doesn’t define our future (if we consciously choose to show up differently).
Signs of dating anxiety
You feel like dating is “work” and want to skip ahead to being in a relationship.
Dates often heighten your fears of rejection and amplify your negative self-talk.
You become preoccupied with the future of the relationship after one or two dates.
You compare your current dating experiences to a past relationship that didn't work out.
You rely on alcohol or other substances to calm your nerves before and/or during a date.
You tend to fall “hard and fast” and your date doesn’t end up living up to your expectations.
You are hyper focused on finding “flags” or incongruencies that will show you why it won’t work out.
An anxious, future-focused mindset can not only rob you of the joy of present moments, but it can also warp your interactions and hinder the organic evolution of a potential relationship.
When dating after a breakup, it's not uncommon to wrestle with cognitive dissonance.
You might yearn for a deeper connection, yet be wary of the challenges of a new relationship.
You may feel unprepared to date, yet crave a meaningful relationship.
You may want to open yourself up to the possibility of love and intimacy, but fear getting hurt and put up protective layers.
This kind of confusion will invariably show up in your actions and responses.
Dating anxiety has consequences
If you’re feeling particularly raw and want to protect yourself you may consciously or subconsciously preemptively decide that things won’t work out.
Often we convince ourselves of this to avoid getting hurt if it doesn't.
The problem with this line of thinking is that it's self-fulfilling.
Not in some hidden “woo” working of the universe type of way. It shows up in very real, measurable actions & behaviors.
If you have conscious or unconscious scripts running in your mind…
“What if it doesn’t work out?”
“I always attract unavailable partners.”
“Something’s going to go wrong, like it always does.”
“I shouldn’t get my hopes up.”
…then when you spend time with that person, these thoughts play in your head, creating anxiety and distance.
As a result, your actions align with these thoughts, and you begin interpreting their actions as evidence that things are not going to work out, leading to feelings of disappointment and self-doubt.
If you already expect a negative outcome–not that you hope for one, but you expect it, you’re bracing for it–your whole mind is attuned to finding evidence that the negative outcome is happening.
The problem with this is that you’re likely going to manifest the exact outcome you don’t want.
The way that we're going to show up is through anxious behavioral partners, or through distant behavior or by feeling dissatisfied (and acting through that emotion).
Your actions are influenced by your emotional state.
Your underlying anxiety manifests in an uncomfortable, distracted demeanor.
You're not fully present in your conversations because part of you is constantly thinking, "What's the point? This can't go anywhere." So, you may come across as disinterested or aloof, which they might interpret as you not being into them.
Later in the evening, you notice they're checking their phone and not holding eye contact.
You interpret this as proof of your premonition, and you feel a pit in your stomach.
Your responses become more guarded, your smiles more forced.
It's not that they don't notice; they just might not understand why.
By the end of the night, what could have been a pleasant, intimate dinner has turned into an awkward, unsatisfying evening.
Not because the attraction wasn't there, or because you two didn't have the potential for a beautiful evening, but because the fear of a negative outcome seeped into your interactions, transforming your reality to match your anxious expectation.
In turn, your date picks up on the anxious cues and responds in tandem.
Shift to an empowered mindset
Rather than getting caught up in anxious or negative thoughts, consider embracing a different, more empowering approach.
Because really, the only change that’s needed is a mindset shift to influence a cascade of different behaviors, actions, and results.
Instead of having predetermined expectations—whether positive or negative—about how things will turn out, what would happen if you focused on the present moment?
What positive outcomes do you want to experience on your dates?
Discovering new perspectives?
Expanding your social network and experiences?
Trying new activities?
Enjoying stimulating conversations?
Flipping your mindset from “I need a relationship” or “this has to work out or else it means [insert insecurity of your choice here]” to “let’s have some fun today” allows you to enjoy the present moment.
Once the date ends, you can make new decisions based on your experiences.
This may lead you towards finding ways to make a relationship work, or it may simply leave you satisfied, having shared a pleasant time together.
Either way, it allows you to continue living your life in an empowered way.
A mindset shift from a state of disempowerment to one of empowerment can profoundly alter the way you show up in your interactions.
It changes your emotional and physical state, enabling you to be more open to intimacy and to fully enjoy your time together without anxiety.
By fully immersing yourself in the present and savoring each moment, you can avoid the dread, anxiety, and disappointment that comes with your brain finding evidence that supports your negative belief.
The experience itself may not change, but your perception of it can.
And a shift in choosing an empowered perception can influence the way you behave, which can impact your experience of the date itself.
Stuck in disempowering relationships patterns? Struggling to truly move on after a breakup?
Join the Rise & Reforge project – an opportunity to have a free 90 minute conversation with me to explore how you can harness the power of relationship transitions and turn your pain into deep healing and personal transformation.
