Why You’re Still Feeling Stuck (Even After Years of Therapy)
Ever set a big, juicy goal for yourself in therapy only to feel it fizzle out faster than a bad Tinder date?
Maybe you vowed to finally stop overthinking every text from your partner, speak up about what you really want in bed, or stop falling for walking red flags who text back, “lol k” three days later.
Somehow, despite your best intentions, you’re still stuck.
Therapy can give you clarity, but clarity doesn’t always translate into change.
Actually becoming that version of you?
Well the doing is the tricky part, isn’t it? And your therapist can’t do it for you.
I’m here to tell you that if you haven’t achieved all of your therapy-couch dreams it’s not because you’re lazy or weak or doomed to be a hot mess forever.
There’s something else going on – something, completely and utterly natural.
Here’s a real life scenario.
You’ve spent the past six therapy sessions working through your tendency to avoid sharing your desires in your relationship.
Now you’ve made a goal to finally speak up about what you really want in bed.
You’re determined—no more silent frustration or hoping your partner magically reads your mind.
But then the moment arrives.
Your partner’s dashing through a lackluster tongue technique, and instead of asking them to do the thing that would really get you going, you freeze.
The words are in your brain, you just can’t…say them out loud.
Wtf?
Hi! 👋🏽
That’s your nervous system running show.
While your logical mind wants to do differently, your body’s systems are actually much stronger than your “higher consciousness.”
And just like that, your intention fizzles out.
And you circle back to the belief, “I can’t ask for what I want.”
And your body is back in its zone of familiarity.
And everything stays the way that it was.
Why You’re Really Stuck: The Role of Your Nervous System
Most of us were taught to tackle change with sheer willpower.
If you don’t get what you want, you didn’t want it bad enough.
🤮
This message is so biologically wrong, but I see it all the time plastered as motivational Instagram memes.
Your nervous system is the puppet master of your behavior.
It’s the part of you that decides whether you feel safe enough to take risks, try new things, or even believe you’re worthy of change.
And guess what?
Motivational quotes or “just think positive” mantras won’t override a nervous system that’s stuck in survival mode.
When your nervous system senses danger (real or perceived), it kicks into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode.
That’s great if you’re being chased by a bear, but less helpful when you’re trying to set boundaries or finally open that meditation app you downloaded three years ago.
The problem is, many of us have nervous systems that are overtrained to see danger everywhere.
Past traumas, cultural conditioning, and systemic oppression can leave us feeling like change isn’t just hard—it’s downright unsafe.
And until your body feels safe, your brain will keep hitting the brakes on progress.
““If you feel safe and loved, your brain becomes specialized in exploration, play, and cooperation; if you are frightened and unwanted it specializes in managing feelings of fear and abandonment.””
Therapy Is Great… But Only When It Addresses Your Systems, Not Your Symptoms
Therapy can be amazing.
If you’ve done the work of digging into your past, unpacking your traumas, and understanding your triggers, high five.
That’s hard stuff.
But if you’ve been in therapy for years and still feel stuck, you’re not alone.
Your nervous system—the part of you that’s stronger than your cognition, often isn’t addressed in traditional talk therapy.
Western psychology, rooted in patriarchal and supremacist systems, has historically ignored the body, emotions, and cultural context.
When you work with your nervous system—through somatic practices, creating embodied safety, and addressing systemic oppression—you reclaim agency in a system that profits from keeping you stuck.
And let’s be honest…who doesn’t want to f*ck the patriarchy and have better sex at the same time?
Why Willpower Isn’t the Answer (and Never Was)
Alright folks, let’s banish this myth once and for all.
Failing to change doesn’t mean you didn’t try hard enough.
Willpower is a finite resource.
It’s like a phone battery that drains every time you make a decision or resist temptation.
And if your nervous system is also dysregulated, that battery’s not even going to sustain a charge.
Change happens when your subconscious beliefs and your nervous system are on board—not when you’re muscling through on your goal-list with nothing but grit and six cups of coffee.
If your nervous system hasn’t been trained to handle new behaviors, it’ll default to what it knows—like freezing when it’s time to set a boundary or spiraling into overthinking when you want to take a risk.
So What Actually Works?
Glad you asked.
Here’s where my favorite brand of nerdy, sexy magic comes in.
Real, lasting change happens when you:
1. Work With Your Nervous System:
Because your nervous system is the control center of your body, it determines what thoughts you’re focused on and how you act in accordance with those thoughts.
When you’re working with an automatic pattern, you’re working against the path of least resistance, because new goals require new thinking, actions, and pathways.
2. Embody Your Goal
Big breakthroughs require you to think, feel, and do differently.
When you align your nervous system with your intentions, you create a felt sense of familiarity that lets you step into new behaviors without resistance.
3. Align Your Subconscious Beliefs:
Subconscious beliefs shape how you see yourself and what you believe is possible.
If those beliefs are outdated or rooted in fear, they’ll keep you stuck in cycles of self-doubt.
When you understand the power these beliefs hold, you can start to question and rewrite them, opening up space for new beliefs to be programmed in.
4. Make Small, Consistent Changes:
Small changes signal to your nervous system that it’s safe to try something new.
Over time, these small, manageable steps build momentum, creating new neural pathways and reinforcing a sense of agency and possibility.
What’s Possible When You Rewire Your Nervous System
When you work with your nervous system instead of fighting against it, change isn’t just possible—it’s inevitable.
You stop self-sabotaging.
You feel more connected to yourself and others.
But what’s more is that you have a reliable set of understandings and tools that allow you to work with your nervous system, so that whenever you feel stuck, triggered, or caught in a behavioral pattern, you know exactly what to do to change it.
Ready to Get Unstuck?
If you want to build a collection of tools that will work with your particular nervous system patterns, the best way is to do it 1:1.
I offer a 6 month coaching container that will bridge the gap between what you know and how you feel so you can step into your most aligned self & relationships.
If you’re just here to scope the scene, you can sign up for the Pleasure Alchemy newsletter and receive one free practice every two weeks to help repattern your nervous system for more love, connection, and pleasure.
