20 Questions for Secure Attachment in Dating

Anxious and avoidant attachments will similarly provoke a fear of asking bonding questions in the earlier stages of dating.

If you find yourself hesitant to ask important questions about values, alignment, and “being on the same page,” you can try this exercise to practice a way to strengthen secure attachment and diminish the fear and anxiety these kinds of questions can produce.

For this exercise, write out 20 questions that you feel nervous to ask, but can see how having answers to them would be helpful in building a secure, long-term relationship.

For example – What do you believe constitutes as cheating? What's your relationship like with your ex? Are there any fears or insecurities you have about being in a committed relationship? What are your deal-breakers or non-negotiables? Do you want kids?

Then, bring your fears to light. What are you worried about when you ask these questions?

Write these fears down as questions. I ask you to do this as questions because your fears aren't statements. They are questions. They are "what if's?"

So orient your responses/fears as "what if" questions.

Then, offer yourself some grounding and reality-check by including potential positive outcomes as well. Reflect on why these questions matter to you and how the answers might impact your overall happiness.

For example, "What if he doesn't want kids and I have to really consider whether or not to stay with him?" "What if we're aligned and both excited to have a future conversation about kids?" "What if I don't waste my time not knowing?" "What if he thinks it's cheating to have an ongoing friendship with an ex?" "What if he thinks being flirty isn't cheating or disrespectful?" "What if he's not really jealous and that helps regulate my own nervous system?"

This practice is meant as an exploration of fears, values, and perception. It asks you to work to find the positive outcomes of potentially threatening scenarios. Try and get as many positive outcomes as you do worries or fears!

Then, treat yourself to some form of self care.