Red Flags
To call in an aligned partner who will bring you a healthy relationship, it's important to be able to see red flags and know how to respond to them so you don't find yourself falling hard and fast for a partner who isn't supportive of your goals and well-being.
Red flags can look like:
I know the relationships isn't going where I want it or is causing me anxiety and discomfort around not knowing where I stand
I'm not confident we share the same values and level of commitment
They don't seem to have healthy friendships or they're not willing to connect with my friends
I find myself pulling away from my friendships and hobbies
Their words/actions don't match up
They don't communicate around being late or not showing up for plans
I feel uncomfortable setting boundaries with them or bend to accommodate their feelings/preferences when it's not in my best interest
They criticize my decisions, looks, or personality
I challenge you to come up with at least 20 red flags for yourself. These are non-negotiable deal breakers for your relationships. We often feel like we "know" what our red flags are, but are then surprised when we look back and see that we entered a relationship full of red flags and are dealing with the aftermath of its demise.
This is because knowing something does not mean you act in alignment with it (like knowing you should eat more fruits and veggies) and because when we assume we know something without testing it, we often over-shoot our own abilities.
Writing your red flags down is actually a way of practicing noticing them. You're doing work to articulate what they are, and if you read over your red flags as you date and enter into relationships, you can continue to bring them top of mind where you can better see if red flags are happening and if you're in danger of ignoring them.
The second step to this is to make a commitment to yourself to act on any red flags that come up. This doesn't necessarily mean ending the relationship because your new romantic interest isn't following through on plans, but to first call them out on the behavior.
If they can see it and adjust it, it may no longer be a red flag issue in your relationship. If they can't acknowledge it (unaware), dismiss your perception (gaslighting), or don't change (behavior issue) then you'll know they aren't the partner for you (and accept that the pain of ending the relationship will be both more acute but less prolonged than the pain of staying in it).
In addition to this practice, take an inventory of your past partners. Create two columns for each person and write down what about them felt aligned, and what felt like a "red flag" or when you were not in alignment. This will help you come up with red flags and recognize when you moved forward on a deal-breaker relationship.
Reflect on the consequences of staying in relationships with ignored red flags, and play out in your mind an empowered version of your past where you don't tolerate the red flag issue. What comes out of that thought experiment?
